Jun 20, 2017

QK Round 3: This Selkie Can't Swim vs Hero By Default

Title: IN HER OWN SKIN
Entry Nickname: This Selkie Can't Swim
Word Count: 70K
Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy

Query:

At sixteen, Emily is an extraordinarily fast varsity swimmer, until one day the chlorine burns like acid and she nearly drowns. Unable to swim in the pool again, she hears voices calling her into the ocean. A long-submerged memory of her mother walking into the sea, never to return, floats to the surface. Hunting for proof her mother didn't die in a car accident like her father said, Emily uncovers a bundle of old letters from friends and family she's never heard of. They all have the same return address: an island in Nova Scotia. When her father refuses to answer her questions, Emily sneaks away to Canada over winter break—alone.

But when Emily arrives her supposed family won't talk to her and they threaten to send her packing. Her only help comes from Fiona, a seventeen-year-old activist whose friendship provides the intimacy Emily has always lacked. After days of cat-and-mouse, Fiona reveals the island's secret: they’re both daughters of selkies, a species of Scottish seal shape-shifters. The selkies’ isolation protects them from fur hunters, but temptation draws some to human company. Eventually, they return to the sea, leaving behind any half-human children. Children like Emily.

With time running out before school starts, and her romantic feelings for Fiona getting stronger, Emily fights for the truth about her mother's death, and if she willingly abandoned her. When Emily's attempt to claim her selkie heritage puts the island's inhabitants in danger from tourists and pelt hunters, she must choose between an ordinary human life cut off from the fleeing selkies, or a solution that will save the selkies and trap her as a seal forever.

First 250:

If Coach Gina says one more good word about me, I may scream. Coach thinks reading our meet times every week is motivating. I just want to crawl into a hole.

Every time she says my name, I expect this to be the time the team glares at me with jealousy.

"100 free, Emily Mulligan, 49:51."

Instead, the girls whoop and clap for me, because my points are their points. They don’t care where the numbers come from. Cheers bounce around the pool and I catch David grinning at me from the other side, not paying attention as the boys' coach also reads. When his name is called the guys thump him on the back and chant, "Ecklestein! Ecklestein!"

We're a pair of winners, a matched set, the perfect couple.

So why don't I enjoy any of it?

If it weren't for Dad, I wouldn't be here.

I jump in for warm-ups, the water swallowing me. I rush downward, the bottom twelve feet below. When I slow, I open my eyes and gaze up through the jelly-like water to the lights above.

It starts as a prickle on my arms. Then I want to rub my eyes. They're gritty, like I haven't slept. Just as I'm thinking how weird that is, the pain kicks in. I gasp water.

I cough convulsively but there’s burning water in my airways. Needles drive through my skin, setting my nerves alight. Acid is eating me alive.

I'm the best swimmer in the state and I'm drowning.





Versus



Title: The Mortal Coil
Entry Nickname: Hero by Default
Word Count: 80K
Genre: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
Query:
When Covington Academy's basketball team is found comatose during practice, seventeen-year-old Aiden Milligan goes from top of the class to top of the suspect list. His extensive disciplinary record and recent altercation with the team's captain make Aiden the obvious culprit. Worse, his combination of brains, boredom, and bad attitude marks him as a possible member of The Orphion Circle, the rumored anarchist group being investigated by police. Guilty until proven innocent in the principal's eyes, Aiden knows he's one misstep from expulsion — or worse, a prison cell. Losing his academic future, the one thing that separates him from every other parentless screw-up, is not an option.

Teamwork is torture for Aiden, but classmate Jessie Rivas is his only help in clearing his name. A crackpot journalist determined to make her big break, Jessie drags Aiden into a mystifying investigation of the rising coma incidents around the city. When bloody symbols appear at the scene of one the attacks, Aiden begins to believe Jessie’s theories about the mysterious Orphion Circle are true. The Circle isn't an anarchist group. It's a coven of dangerous witches.

Stopping The Circle and clearing his name become one and the same for Aiden. A detective hounds his steps, though, hell-bent on locking him up. With every step of his investigation implicating him further, salvaging his reputation and his academic future may be impossible. But if he can't uncover the truth behind the mounting coma victims before The Circle silences him, he won't have a future at all.

First 250:

Aiden Milligan sat in the principal's office. Again. And for once, he wasn't sure why.

Aiden reviewed the usual complaints. No skipping classes — this week, anyway. Not like he couldn't afford to when he was so far ahead of the rest of the class.

No disrespecting any teachers. Correcting Ms. Maynard's electron assignment during Chemistry didn't count. Eye-rolls were reflexive at this point.

No refusing to cooperate with others. ...Okay, guilty as charged. But was that such a crisis?

"Mr. Milligan."

Aiden straightened up. Principal Hadley entered the office and sat behind his impenetrable oak desk.

"Sir," he muttered.

In the two years he’d attended the prestigious Covington Academy, Aiden and Principal Hadley had grown very familiar, in the way a lion gets familiar with a straggling wildebeest. Aiden was a problem that didn't want to be solved, and Hadley took that as a challenge.

Hadley ran a hand through thin, graying hair. “Thank you for coming, Aiden."

Aiden raised an eyebrow. Like he had a choice?

Here it comes. Slap on the wrist and hollow lecture. Then set me loose, 'cause you can't risk losing your highest GPA student. Rinse and repeat.

“To business.” Hadley folded his hands on his desk. "Last night, campus security found Coach Singer and the entire basketball team collapsed in the gym. The police were called in to investigate."

Police... Aiden's stomach twisted.

Hadley's eyes locked onto him. "They suspect foul play."

Foul play? Now his stomach plummeted somewhere around his feet. Damn, not good...

18 comments :

  1. Judges, please leave your comments and votes as a reply to this comment. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This Selkie Can't Swim
      The query raises the question as to whether or not her mother really died, but then says "Emily fights for the truth about her mother's death" which implies she did. Might be good to clarify. Otherwise, a strong query and 250.

      Hero By Default
      Overall great entry. Compelling 250. I'd like to know just a bit more about his "academic future" in the query (although it's already pushing the upper limit in terms of length). And the setting could maybe use a bit more description int he 250.

      I would definitely read both of these, and they're both strong entries IMO. Very tough choice—as in nearly "flip a coin" tough—but I have to pick one, so it's going to be victory to Hero by Default!

      Delete
    2. THIS SELKIE CAN’T SWIM

      I’m confused about this supposed family—are they selkies too?? (Is everyone on the island?) In the third paragraph, I could use more specifics about how Emily claiming her heritage puts everyone in danger and what’s the solution that turns her into a selkie. I’m also curious if the opening incident (chlorine suddenly burning) factors into the stakes -- how does being half-selkie affect Emily’s future life and her decision?


      HERO BY DEFAULT

      I like the changes you’ve made! I still want to read this one.


      VICTORY TO HERO BY DEFAULT

      Delete
    3. Now this is the kind of match I hate, because I love them both.

      THIS SELKIE CAN'T SWIM:

      What an awesome premise. There's so much otherworldly texture. You had me at Nova Scotia. My only concern with the query is that I think you could make it more of a mystery which would help streamline the conflict and stakes. I feel like there is a little too much telling regarding her mother.

      I love the 250, especially that last line. It really reads like the perfect inciting incident. It's not clear why she hates being told her swimming time. That could be slightly revised. Otherwise, great job.
      Hero by Default: I think you did a great job with your revisions. It's very clear.

      VICTORY TO HERO BY DEFAULT

      Delete
    4. From CatAttack

      THIS SELKIE CAN'T SWIM
      I love the watery word choices in the query -- 'long-submerged memory', 'floats to the surface'. Picky point -- suggest 'calling her (in)to the ocean.' Great job establishing set-up and character, along with a strong hook. Suggest '...and (if) whether she willingly abandoned her.' Powerful stakes. Strong opening in the first 250 introducing us to Emily's 'before' world. Picky point: 'twelve-feet below' (missing hyphen).

      HERO BY DEFAULT
      Wonderful snappy prose in the query -- full of voice. Great set-up and stakes. Suggest a semi-colon instead of a period here: '...group(.); (I)it's a...' Strong opening for the first 250. You do a great job showing us Aiden's smart and snarky personality. The internal and external dialogue really bring Aiden to life.

      These are both strong entries with intriguing plots.

      VICTORY TO HERO BY DEFAULT

      Delete
    5. IN HER OWN SKIN

      I love the premise and I think the query is very effective, down to the extremely clear high stakes! The only thing that had me raising an eyebrow was... how does Emily, a minor, manage to make it to Nova Scotia in secret? If she's already in Canada, that's fine, but crossing international lines as an unaccompanied minor had me going, "hmmm..." Maybe just specify where she is to start with or give us a hint as to how she pulls it off? No details are necessary or anything--just a handful of words that tell us how she used a little-known land crossing or something... (Likely, I'm just being picky, but this little thing did give me pause, so I'm flagging it for you)

      Your first 250 are strong and get us right in to the action! They also give us a good hint about who your protagonist is. My only quibble is the line about the Dad. I'd elaborate a little: why is he the only reason your MC is a champion swimmer? Then again, this is just the very beginning, and for all I know, this is clarified in the next paragraph or page!

      THE MORTAL COIL

      I wouldn't touch the query. It was good before, and any changes you've made have only made it stronger. (tl;dr - I still think "juvie" would work better than "prison cell," though. :P )

      I'm mostly of the same opinion on your first 250, except that maybe I'm being thick or picky or both, but I'm still not getting the lion-straggling wildebeest analogy. I want it to work, because I love the sound of it, but I'm not getting it. Sorry!

      Other than that, this is still awesome and voice and fun and I would read it in a second.

      This is the toughest choice for me in this round so far... Selkie or Hero, Hero or Selkie... Argh!!!!

      Victory to HERO BY DEFAULT!

      Delete
    6. Replying as Chief Doodler!

      This Selkie Can't Swim:
      The query is well written, I would just clarify some sentences. What family does she encounter in Nova Scotia? Is it her dad's side? Or Mom's—but she's a selkie, so probably not?

      I LOVE the last line in the 250 word sample. I was a little confused though. She just swam in a meet and suddenly the chlorine attacks her after she jumps back in? I think we need to see more of her confusion.

      Hero By Default:
      Great query! I was pulled in and I thoroughly enjoyed the writing sample.

      Going by voice in this decision—Winner goes to HERO BY DEFAULT!!

      Delete
    7. This is the worst match-up so far because they're both amazing high-concept books, the queries are excellent and the 250 are polished and voicey. My vote is going to the one with the slight edge, simply because the conflict is presented within the 250, which grabs me immediately. Victory to HERO!

      Delete
    8. THIS SELKIE CAN'T SWIM

      Overall the query is great. I was sort of curious what family she sent to see in Nova Scotia. But good job. I really loved the last line in the 250. The voice is great and I already like Emily as a character just in this short sample. Good job!

      HERO BY DEFAULT

      I love the changed you did! And I don't have anything to add for the 250!

      These were both very strong!

      VICTORY TO HERO BY DEFAULT

      Delete
    9. THIS SELKIE CAN’T SWIM

      Query: Overall I think this is a good query, though I’d love some additional details. Is the issue with chlorine because of her heritage? Partway through you imply her mother might not be dead, just gone back to the ocean, but at the end you mention her death again? Perhaps leave that a mystery, if it is one in the book. The first paragraph seemed to jump a bit, from the chlorine burning, to hearing voices, to the forgotten memory. Is there any way you could simplify or connect those points together so it flows better? As for the island, are all the people living their Selkie children? Are some of them Selkies themselves? Do they live there just to protect the Selkies? I’m also curious how claiming her heritage puts people in risk? What exactly claiming her heritage means? And what solution would leave her trapped as a seal? Like I said, good query, but a bit more clarification could go a long way.

      250: I really like this opening, especially the closing line. My biggest question is why she expects the team to react with jealousy if they’ve always been supportive? It just seemed a bit odd since, as you mention, that’s never been the case. Great job!

      HERO BY DEFAULT

      Query: Great job with this query! I think the first paragraph is a bit lengthy and there might be a bit too much going on. Can you connect the the Orphion Circle to the incidents and then back to Aiden so it all ties together? Right now I think that’s what’s confusing me most. Are the police investigating the Circle for the coma incidents? Is he under investigation for the coma incident AND possibly being a member? Consider taking the last two sentences from the first paragraph and possibly relocating them to the last? They seem like they might be better suited for there.

      250: Consider adding “with each other” after “grown very familiar.” Further down, “found Coach… and the entire team collapsed” reads a bit odd to me. Found them collapsed I think is the issue. Other than that, I really like this opening, though I do think it’s missing a bit of Aiden’s spunkiness from the first time I saw this.

      Another tough choice! VICTORY TO HERO BY DEFAULT!

      Delete
    10. This Selkie Can't Swim
      I think the 250 here are particularly strong. I can't wait to read this someday! In the query, I'd agree with the other judges that it would be a good idea to clarify that the mother is dead, earlier in the query.

      Hero By Default
      I loved this entry too. The query is awesome. In the 250, for me, there is something odd about the way that the complaints are structured. "Aiden reviewed the usual complaints. No skipping classes…" For me, I stumbled on this because the complaint can't be that Aiden didn't skip class. The complaint would actually be skipping class. WhileI understand what's being said, I'm just tripped up by the phrasing. But if you haven't gotten this feedback from anyone else, please feel free to disregard.

      This was a tough match but victory to This Selkie Can't Swim!

      Delete
    11. Critique: This Selkie Can't Swim
      ----
      Query:
      ----
      Interesting story, and I’m a sucker for LGBT elements in a YA story. So you’ve got my attention. The query is a bit long, and I’m really confused about this incident with the pool. Is the Chlorine burn related to her Selkie-ness? I assume it is as that is why she is “unable to swim in the pool again,” and it’s not some sort of complex about it? Also…I don’t love that her dad just “refuses to answer her questions.” That seems hard to justify. We also learn that Emily lacks intimacy, but this isn’t really established, so I’d like that clarified too. I get you can’t fully explain how Emily’s attempt to claim her Selkie heritage creates the big conflict, but it is a bit confusing. I think it is “fleeing Selkies” are they fleeing in the midst of/because of this attempted claim of heritage? It’s just a little confusing.
      ----
      First 250 words:
      ----
      I love it when authors get right to it, and boy do you do that here! I absolutely adore this. I assume in the next few paragraphs we will learn if this burning is special to her or not.

      ===================================
      Critique: Hero by Default
      ----
      Query:
      ----
      I don’t think you need to name check Aiden in the 2nd sentence again. Alsois Aiden an orphan? If so…maybe mention it?
      The rest is..a lot of plot. I think it sounds like a good story, but I’m so removed from it all. You need to give a lot less plot, and give us some serious character development. This query, as is, makes me worry that the author isn’t quite clear what his/her book is about, or what makes it special. A query should establish the following:
      1. Character
      2. Story
      3. Stakes
      4. What makes your book special/unique
      This is more like a slightly disguised plot synopsis. If the agent wants more plot, they’ll request a synopsis or read the manuscript.
      ---
      First 250 words:
      ---
      the lion/wildebeest analogy is clunky. Wouldn’t the lion just eat it? Or do they have some sort of thing where they help that animal that I’m unaware of?
      Other than that, it’s good. A little heavy on filtering everything through Aiden’s eyes, but it’s a first page/chapter so I don’t mind it. It’s a nice way to establish stuff.
      ===================================
      Verdict: Both have decent first 250 words, and both have queries in need of some serious work. As such, I’m forced to go on what I sort of thing has most potential and like more. Therefore This Selkie Can't Swim wins this for me. However, regardless of who wins, both authors need to really work on their queries if they hope to make it further.
      ===================================
      WINNER GOES TO: This Selkie Can't Swim

      Delete
    12. Two great fantasy entries here! Congratulations to both Kombatants for making round 3.

      THIS SELKIE CAN'T SWIM
      I love the myth system you've incorporated, which is not often seen in fantasy. For me, the first half of the query is a little too play-by-play: all we really need to know is that your MC has some burning questions about her mother's death that no one is willing to answer. I *think* the dilemma you've set up for her is a good one, but the being trapped as a seal thing confused the heck out of me. I'm hoping that it's as simple as claiming a part of her heritage, or imposing solitude to protect the members of her kin.

      HERO BY DEFAULT
      Wonderfully executed query. You give us the character, what he wants, and the daunting obstacles that he faces. I do feel that you introduce new opposing forces rather than developing the ones you've established (we go from principal to dangerous witches to detective), but I can tell there's a thrilling story here. Well done.

      Victory to HERO BY DEFAULT!

      Delete
  2. This Selkie Can't Swim

    Query

    Well written, but long. I'm not sure what could be cut. Maybe some of the selkie info, and the 'With time running out before school starts', which, with all the other stakes (family, love, heritage, etc.) feels unimportant.

    1st 250

    Nice voice. I feel how much she'd rather be somewhere else. The burning comes a tad too early for me, just because I'm not grounded in the world yet, but it wouldn't stop me reading. The last line of your entry is killer. Great job.

    Hero by Default

    Query

    As with your round 3 competitor's entry, your query is well written but long. Unless it's multi-POV, I think you could remove Jessie entirely and say Aiden is investing the Orphion Circle to clear his name. I see a few changes from the previous round, which clear up some of the ambiguity you had before. Nice job there.

    1st 250

    As a former 'problem' student, I can relate to sitting in the Principal's office wondering why I was there. Not everyone will understand that, so it may take some folks longer to 'get' your MC. The repeated mentions of how smart he is feels a hint condescending to me. 'I'm smart so I make my own rules.' If he's just being defensive because of the situation, cool. the writing is good, so I'm in to turn the page and see where you take him.

    Good luck to you both!


    ReplyDelete
  3. This Selkie Can't Swim: I'm really digging your changes to both the query and 250. I'm still a little iffy about what happens on the island and why the Selkies don't embrace her if she's "family," but I'm thinking that is better left to the MS. It wouldn't stop me from reading.

    Hero By Default:
    This has been on my watch list since the first round. Your revisions are spot-on and I love this guy's voice. I SO want to follow him through this book. Well done.

    Great job, both of you. Best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  4. SELKIE: Your last line (of your 250) has haunted me since the beginning of this competition. Congrats on having made it so far! Even though contemporary fantasy isn't really my genre, I would definitely buy this book. The stakes are clear, the conflict is real. You have a potential love interest and a family mystery. As a reader of any genre, who could ask for more than that??
    HERO: Again, this isn't the genre I typically read. But you have me intrigued with your first 250. Far from your typical, "Sent to the principal's office AGAIN" saga, I love the line about the lion and the wildebeest. And I definitely want to know more about the Circle and the coma victims! Strong voice. Great concept.

    Best of luck to you both!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Strong queries and 250s. There isn't anything I can comment on that hasn't already been critiqued.

    Selkies gets my vote!

    ReplyDelete
  6. OK...I just looked at Selkie's query the other day, so I don't really have any new feedback there. I still think you made it a lot clearer since round one, and I continue to find the concept of a book about selkies, rather than mermaids (even though I have nothing against mermaids) very refreshing and unique.

    In your first 250, if I'm picking out tiny, little things: you use the word "time" a lot. I think you need a comma right before "and I catch David..."; also maybe after "when his name is called,"; this sentence: "I jump in for warm-ups, the water swallowing me. I rush downward, the bottom twelve feet below," has an odd cadence to it. I think it's because each one is a compound sentence with the second half starting with "the." Think you need a comma before "there's burning water in my airways," and another before, "and I'm drowning."

    OK, I know those are like super-picky, tiny things, but I've already told you I think your concept, query and first 250 are great! : )

    HERO: Very strong query, but I'm sure you know that already. I agree that I don't understand the part about his academic future. For some reason, as I read the query up to that part, I imagined him as not really caring much about grades. You may want to drop a line in there earlier about his academics to clear that up.

    250: Alright, well that cleared up the thing about his academics. I'm not sure if this is what you're going for, but Aiden comes off as not a very likable character. He seems VERY arrogant when it comes to his intelligence. Sometimes, being smart isn't everything. Maybe that's how you intend for him to sound, though, a character flaw or something. Or maybe it's that he feels he's only respected there because of his grades...I don't know, I'd have to read the whole book to find out!

    I'll be honest, witch books aren't my thing, but there seem to be a lot of agents out there looking for them, so I'm sure you'll get a lot of requests! Good luck!

    ReplyDelete